future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
ok like just. call me at this point
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
how much for the angry fruit?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*