future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
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Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.