Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Last-minute gift idea!
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.