Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.