[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
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a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Yup
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Duck typos.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
lmfao
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.