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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Finally, an instrument I can play!
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking