FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I just love that new Pope smell.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.