FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me too
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie