fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.