FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos