@NurseSeymour: FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can't remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They'll write her name on the cup for ya!
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@Brampersandon_: [stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
@YoungNobler: This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
@joshgondelman: I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They're in jail.
@Spiritsoko: Cat knocks over coffee Me.... Cat.... Me... Cat.... Me: well? Cat.... Me.... Cat: (Russian accent) I admit to nothing. Jumps down