FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
You Might Also Like
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
That’s easy for you to say
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!