*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Me My dog
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.