FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday