FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit