FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
what are they serving at kfc then???
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.