FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Twitter fine art
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Xylophonist Shredding It
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.