FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Mistakes were made
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.