FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.