I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Auto correct is my worst enema.
pelicons
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.