The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon