G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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windshields shouldn鈥檛 exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that鈥檚 how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
him: hi, I鈥檓 Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Just as the prophecy foretold
When you鈥檙e a tall person in a hotel shower
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I’ve seen:
鈥FOs
鈥hosts
鈥 Two Headed Turtle
鈥imodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
when i find out there鈥檚 a cat at the party but they鈥檙e locked in the bedroom
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can鈥檛 say good boy without feeling like i鈥檓 trying to play fetch with him
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.