Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Jail
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.