Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.