*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Wednesday
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator