*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
You Might Also Like
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath