*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
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When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My dad is at it again
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google