Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
? 💀
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.