Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.