Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
You Might Also Like
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
this has done me in for some reason
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine