Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.