The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
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[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING