[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
This is my pinned tweet
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”