(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Huge, if true.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Just how popey was the pope today?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Tremendous stuff
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…