Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God