Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you