game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks