Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.