Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Has there ever been a more American story?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.