#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The human personality is made of five key elements
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com