You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
X-tra spooky blend
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here