If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.