[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
where’s Godzilla when we need him
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.