[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”