[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
? 💀
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”