ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Bruh PLEASE
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
How to properly lift a body
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.