*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Comparing yourself to others
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.