*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”