GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.