Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.