Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
All generalizations are stupid.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.