Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
an octopus is just a wet spider
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.