Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.